IN DEFENSE OF THE REALM: Ladyhawke (1985)

Lately I've been on a bit of a classic movie kick. I kind of got into it when I reviewed "Willow", so I decided to search out some more of the maybe more obscure ones. Some of them well before my time some of them from when I was but a lad. So without further ado, Ladyhawke.

Honestly what first brought my attention to this movie was the cover..."Is that Ferris Bueller?" It damn sure is. The year before Matthew Broderick would become a cultural phenomenon with his cult classic "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" he stared in this movie alongside Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeiffer. Broderick plays Phillipe Gaston a talented and quick witted thief also known as "the Mouse" The film opens with a scene setting up the story, the church is corrupt and the people are suffering. I have to admit while it didnt stop me from enjoying the movie, I think this plot device is VERY overused. I totally understand that history dictates that the church was (and for the most part still is) horrifyingly corrupt, but this has been used so many times its almost a genre onto itself. Anyway I digress, One of the guards is looking for Phillipe (Broderick) to escort him to his execution, but he is no where to be found, and we see how he gets his nickname "the Mouse" it would seem he has the unique ability to squeeze through small spaces (insert off color humor here..hehe...insert.) and is very quick on his feet. He makes his way through the sewer system and out to freedom. It would appear that young Phillipe is the first man in history to escape the dungeons of Aquila. The Bishop is most displeased about this escape and sends his captain of the guards to hunt him down.  

 Inevitably the gaurds catch up to Mouse and  are about to kill him when he is saved by, Etienne of Navarre (Hauer)

 Etienne believes that since mouse escaped Aquila, that he can help Etienne infiltrate it so that he can slay the bishop. The movie has some interestign plot twists that I dont want to spoil. We find out that The bishop, through a deal with the devil, put a curse on Etienne and his love and the only way to break the curse it to slay the bishop. The plot device used to keep the lovers apart is both cruel and genius. I would highly recomend this movie to any lovers of fantasy.

I give this movie one lady killer Rutger Hauer which is the highest honor one could achieve.

IN DEFENSE OF THE REALM: Willow

Ah Willow, quite possibly one of the most underrated fantasy movies of all time. This movie marks the only time (to the best of my knowledge) that a little person stared as the lead protagonist in a major motion picture and may I add that Warwick Davis knocks it out of the park. Warwick plays Willow Ufgood a farmer and aspiring sorcerer in a village inhabited by wee folk who call themselves Nelwyns. One day as Willow is trying to tend the pitiful crops on his struggling farm, his children find a child in a basket on the shore of the river. We know from the beginning of the movie that this is a special child that is being hunted down because she is foretold to bring the down fall of the evil sorceress Bavmorda.

 After a village council meeting Willow is chosen to return the child to the humans with his friend Meegosh, and after a short journy hand the baby over, all be it with reservations to the first human they meet: Madmartigan.(played by Val Kilmer.)

Let me just take a moment to say this is one of the few times I actually enjoyed Val Kilmer. He was great in this and it was in his pre batman rape days. Anyway, so they leave the baby with Madmartigan. As Willow and Meegosh head home they are attacked by a group of small forest fairies know as Brownies, who also have happened to steal the baby from Madmartigan. We find out from the Fairy Queen that the baby is named Elora Danan and she has chosen Willow for her protector. She then sends Willow off to defeat Bavmorda with baby Elora and a magic wand she has given him.  Along the way Willow and his party run into Madmartigan and together the have a few close calls with Bavmorda's daughter Sorsha who is now hunting them down. After a bit the group find themselves captured by Sorsha along with a benevolent sorceress named Raziel who has been changed into a rat by Bavmorda. Willow attempts to return her to her human form but fails. Eventually Willow and his group manage to escape and find themselves in a castle to make their stand against Bavmorda.
The movie is great especially for the time it was made.  I would absolutely recommend this movie to anyone looking to just enjoy a good film with a good story.

I give it two washed up Val Kilmer's cause after all he wasn't so bad in this.

IN DEFENSE OF THE REALM: Conan the Barbarian Movies.

  Let me just start by saying I REALLY LIKE the Arnold Conan movies. I really do, I think they were great even the second one despite being so campy, because even though it wasn't executed properly at least it was getting closer to the source materials. Now I say like then, not love them because I truly adore the works of the writer who created him, Robert E. Howard. The stories he wrote were amazing, this fierce warrior who had been a soldier, a slave, a pirate and a thief slaying his way to his ultimate destiny the throne of Aquilonia.  So when the new Conan the Barbarian movie was announced I was excited...then I saw this:

HOLY SHIT!!! THAT'S FUCKING CONAN!!!!
I was amazed at what I saw. Arnold was a big dude, but thats about as similar to the character from the books as he got. Jason Momoa looked EXACTLY like Conan, He was dark and brooding, He was big but also agile looking this was perfect. I mean compare the two..

Jason Kicks Arnie's ass all day long. Now lets get to the Actual movie. I thought it was incredible, the action was amazing the characters were great and the whole world just felt more like Hyborea then the Arnold movies ever did. Even the support characters felt more like they stepped out of the Robert E Howard books vs the Arnold movies.

The story was top notch,  Conan trying to take revenge on the evil warlord who murdered his father and their people and prevent him from raising a demonic witch queen bride to cover the earth in darkness. Fucking epic. We touch on his life too, as a thief and pirate we see a young Conan coming into his prime. Unfortunately the movie bombed. earning only around 48 million on a budget of 90 million. I guess people just arnt into fantasy movies...but wait a second the Lord of the Rings movies were huge...whats going on here? Well, its seems that the number one complaint around the general public was uniform...its not like the Arnold movies. Fuck me really? This move gets everything right except being like the movies that got most of it wrong. Now despite being set up for what was in my mind going to be one of the best trilogies in film history, the Conan franchise is scheduled to be rebooted again with Arnold once again taking the helm, this time as an aged King Conan. Don't get me wrong Im sure I'll be at King Conan opening night but I cant help but look at the Jason Momoa film and long for what might have been...

 I give the Jason Momoa Conan 3 Aquilonian Crowns. If you haven't seen it you should.